


I’ll Make Myself a Garden You Can Live In

by ucoa_space



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I hurt my child, Keith is edgy, M/M, Please Assassinate Me, Shiro is fucking absent, The Author Regrets Everything, The One Ring is Bad News, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unrequited Love, What else is new, hunk is soft, i guess??, klance is here for just a minute and not really, pre-season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 22:30:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11976378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ucoa_space/pseuds/ucoa_space
Summary: People say that love is as beautiful as red roses. But Pidge doesn't quite believe that. For her love is painful and the only red there is in it consists from the blood flowing alongside blue petals.





	I’ll Make Myself a Garden You Can Live In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [possiblypidge](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=possiblypidge).



> The idea came out from @possiblypidge on tumblr, please check them out!  
> The story also got published on my tumblr: @ucoa-thespacewayfarer.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> \- blood  
> \- blood vomiting  
> \- Self-Doubt and Self-Hatred

Pidge at first denied it.

She knew too well she’s frail, scrubby and totally out of anything romantic. She wasn’t in any way similar to girls he flirted with. In fact she was probably quite the opposite; small, awkward and depending more on her brain than anything else.

Pidge hated the girls he flirted with. She wanted to hate him as well, but couldn’t bring herself to it.

He treated her like a sister too and it only made everything worse. So she bottled it up and threw away, told herself that those feelings don’t belong to her. And she almost convinced herself.

But then the first flower showed up.

 

* * *

 

When Pidge wiped her face after washing off the blood mixed with petals and tears, she felt deceived. She was supposed to not feel things like that. She was for thinking and nothing else, because thinking was the only thing she was able to do properly. Instead her stupid heart tricked her like that.

She wanted to kick and scream, and cry out, and shout, and tear something apart.

Pidge once again felt the urge to hate him. But instead of that she only felt the hate towards herself, because how could she hate someone with such a wonderful smile and beautiful eyes?

Despite everything she knew, Pidge told herself that this flower business will stop on its own after some time.

 

* * *

 

When he and Keith told team they’re dating, Pidge forced a smile on her face and with this artificial expression attached like petals in her throat congratulated them. She said she’ll be right back and ran to the restroom. She coughed with panic, choking on the flowers falling from her mouth. She bent over the toilet and hid her face in her hands.

Pidge jumped, when she heard a voice.

“Which one is it?”

She turned her head quickly at the direction the voice was coming from.

“Hunk?” her voice sounded like a physically fragile thing. She cringed when it cracked and said thing fell to the ground making a broken glass-like noise.

“Which one is doing it to you?” Hunk, always kind, soft and gentle Hunk, now sounded like he was mad. She was wondering if his anger is pointed at her for not sharing it with him.

“Please don’t tell anyone.” she croaked weakly.

“Pidge…” his voice was like someone balancing on the line. “Who is doing that to you?”

“Please.” Pidge said it softly, but this one word sounded like the loudest sound in the universe, echoing through the castle, galaxy and her mind.

Pidge prayed to any deity above for Hunk to not say his name. But even if anyone was listening, they didn’t care.

“It’s Lance, isn’t it?”

Her disease had a name now. She couldn’t run away from those feelings now. And again she couldn’t bring herself to hate him.

Pidge couldn’t hate Lance, because she loved him.

 

* * *

 

Now that Pidge let that information into her brain, she wasn’t able to run away from it anymore. It haunted her everywhere all the time. When she saw Lance training. Talking with Allura. Baking with Hunk. Joking with Coran.

Holding hands with Keith.

Pidge often wondered if there’s a chance they break up. But then immediately slapped herself mentally with guilt overflowing alongside with blood and flowers.

Lance was happy. And he was to stay that way.

Need to throw up the flowers grew more frequent and urgent since she accepted the fact she has a crush on Lance. She tried to find places near restroom to sit down and work on codes. It let her empty throat from sickly looking blue petals fairly easily and fast enough to not leave any bloodstains or petals on the way.

Hunk was trustee of her feelings. He kept her problem a secret, even though he made it clear he doesn’t approve hiding it like that. He said that if anyone will ask directly, he won’t lie. So Pidge made her best to hide the evidence. She did it, even though Hunk said it would be the best if she just told someone – anyone.

But Pidge wasn’t ready for something like that. She won’t ever be ready, because Lance was already happy with someone else. And she wanted the best for him. He deserved it.

 

* * *

 

 

“Pidge, you seriously have to do something with this, it’s going to kill you!”

It’s the third time Hunk says that today. And it’s the third time that Pidge shrugs him off.

“That’s not true. And even if it is, it’s really not a big deal.”

Hunk nearly gasped.

“Pidge, don’t you know how this disease works?” he shouted.

Girl looked at him with inscrutable expression.

“I really do, Hunk. But he’s happy by the way the things are right now.” she said with voice void of emotion. “I wouldn’t ever make him feel unhappy. It’s not fair to do this to him. It’s better if I–”

– if I disappear.

“– if I stay away from it.”

Before Hunk had a chance to say something else, she shut her laptop and got up.

“I really don’t want to talk about it, Hunk.”

‘Just let me die’ she thought.

Matt would probably be disappointed by her. Yes, he totally would, just like mom and dad.

Shiro would also be sad by her solution of the problem if he were there.

But none of them is there. So it’s irrelevant.

She would end her life faster, if only she didn’t deserve all this pain.

 

* * *

 

Pidge hated herself.

When Lance and Keith announced they broke up, it didn’t work out, it’s not as strong as they thought it is, her first urge was to throw her hands in the air and shout with joy. But then she thought about how painful this decision was for them. Keith was her friend and Lance—well, she didn’t need to elaborate to herself who Lance was for her. She was selfish and this kind of thinking had to stop–

She still felt this ray of hope though, shining at her and melting the cold stone that covered her.

Pidge felt guilty because of that. That she felt better because of the same thing that made someone she loved sad.

After everyone returned to their routines, she ran to the restroom to stop choking feeling of flowers in her throat.

 

“Pidge?”

Shit.

“Pidge, are you okay?”

Damn it.

“Keith, go away, please, go away, get out.”

“Pidge, tell me what’s wrong!”

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Keith wasn’t Hunk. He wouldn’t accept ‘no’ as an answer. He wouldn’t accept what she accepted long ago.

“I—oh god” Pidge bent over the toilet again and choked out more petals.

“You have-“ Keith stated with shock before Pidge cut him off.

“Yes.” she wheezed with difficulty.

“How long have you–? Oh shit, it’s not me, right?”

He was really disturbed by the thought alone, so Pidge did her best to soothe him and denied, shaking her head.

“Few months.” she answered harshly.

She could see he was scared, shocked, confused and angry. Was he angry at her? She wouldn’t be surprised. If he would be hiding something like that, she’d be mad as well.

“Does anyone know about this?” Keith sat on the floor next to her.

“Hunk.” she leaned against the wall, moving away from the toilet and hid face in her hands.

“Wait, if that’s not me or Hunk, then it must be—“ Keith looked at her, his face aghast. “And if you say it’s been going on for few months—“

Pidge turned her head away.

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“You were happy.” her voice sounded weak and she hated that. The words left the sour taste on her tongue. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to tell him, you know that?” Keith said, getting up and going to the door. “I’m going to tell him now.”

There are these words she was so scared of.

“Please, don’t.” Pidge wailed after Keith disappearing behind the doors. With a desperate try to follow him she tripped and fell to the ground with a dull thud. With one arm stretched forward at the door’s direction. Defeated, she let her body go limp.

 

* * *

 

 

Lance didn’t really know what was going on with Pidge.

She didn’t talk to him anymore, even though they’ve known each other for a really long time. Earlier they were talking on a daily basis, but now it looked like Pidge was running away from him. He didn’t even have Shiro who would listen to him and give him some sort of advice or explanation. And Lance didn’t know why he was gone or why she did that. Every time he approached her, she slipped away from him.

It hurt. It hurt, because he thought she was really cool and funny, and intelligent, and easy to talk to, and cute, and— okay, you get the idea. She was totally out of his league. He was too stupid for her. He assumed going hearts emoji over her was pointless and treating her like a friend was more appropriate. This feeling with a potential of a crush was choked down quickly and almost painlessly. Lance forgot about the feeling he felt when he first saw her. He assumed this feeling may have been a little stronger, but that’s it. Life was going normally – failing simulations, flirting with most of boys and girls in the campus, but playing it out as “freelancer”. Nothing temporal.

Then Keith appeared.

At first he thought that’s it, he’s done, how someone so pretty could be so irritating? Then, as the team grew closer, he started to think about his good sides. The contrast was so big, he thought that’s some weird Disney love-at-not-so-first-just-a-little-closer-sight thing. But it wasn’t. That was okay.

So there he was. Listening to music through headphones – her headphones – and trying to organize the chaos in his head. Keith- chaos, Shiro-chaos and Pidge-chaos. The only person he could talk with normally was Hunk, but his behavior was strange too. Like he was holding something inside. He sighed.

Suddenly someone burst into his room. He got up rapidly, throwing the headphones off his head with fast movement, eyeing the intruder.

“Keith, what the hell—“ he got interrupted by hand yanking him up by his tee shirt’s hem. “Dude!”

Keith was mad. Not ‘you-got-the-last-cookie-and-I-hate-you’ mad. It was real anger, so fierce and hot, it almost physically burnt.

“Pidge is in trouble because of you.” he shot.

“W-What? But I didn’t do anything!” his voice cracked, full of nerves.

“That’s the problem.” Keith let go of his shirt. Seeing Lance still doesn’t understand, he elaborated “She has Hanahaki over you.”

Those words made the whole world crumble down. Lance’s eyes widened with shock and fear.

“Over me? For how long?”

“God knows, she said ‘a few months’, but it might as well be longer!” Keith went into the mode of protecting his close one, which meant he was really worried. And that meant Lance should be worried too.

“No, no, no, no…” Lance wanted to panic. He wanted to scream and revolt against the whole world. Why is this big responsibility laid on him? Shouldn’t he have at least a little time to cope with that? But he didn’t have that privilege. And deep down he knew.

He took a deep breath. “Where is she?”

He knew what to do.

 

* * *

 

 

Pidge was crying.

Partially because of helplessness she felt. Partially because of the pain that devoured her throat and stomach. Partially because it all was a little too much to deal with, so she decided to cope with it by crying.

Metallic taste the blood left made her feel dizzy. She leaned her back against the wall, hugging her legs and hiding her face before the world.

“Pidge!”

Before she could jerk her head up to see who ran into the restroom, the girl got trapped into hug.

Pidge froze. Everything slowed down.

It’s him.

He looked at her with fear, sorrow, surprise and… wait…

Lance leaned in and kissed her deeply, holding her shoulders. She may have forgotten how to breathe for a second.

Can he feel the blood that must have left its trace in her mouth? A stupid thought, the only one clear enough to make it through the chaos in her head.

Lance moved away a little and said one single sentence.

“Sorry I kept you waiting.”

Pidge laughs and cries at once as she throws her arms around him.

She feels the flowers in her throat curl up and die as this stupid silly boy looks at her with what can only be described as love.


End file.
